Who really knows you?
In high school, it seems like most teens want to be popular. But what does it mean to be popular? Is everyone your friend? No. Do a lot of people know you? Yes, in a superficial sense.
This continues into adulthood, as we can often obsess over our image and likeability. Even if you achieve widespread admiration among your peers, how many people really know you on a deep level?
- Who is your community?
- Who really knows you?
There is a reason for these questions. People grow emotionally and spiritually in the context of community and relationships. We were created to be relational beings.
Learning how to make friends as an adult requires intention, patience, and a willingness to be known. It also requires wisdom. The goal is not to just collect Instagram followers. The goal is to develop true friendship with people who can love you honestly and help you grow.
Deep friendship gives you a place to be known, accepted, and challenged.
Choose connection over isolation
A lot of people who have been hurt in the past feel better closing themselves off to avoid future pain. But true wholeness is found by connecting with others.
Ultimately, one must choose between risking rejection while eventually finding connection, or remaining safe and stuck in psychological stagnation. The risk is real. So is the reward.
In reality, happiness is not found in achieving acclaim in the eyes of others. One huge ingredient in forming a happy life is developing lasting connections with other people.
But how many people really have an inner circle of those they have completely opened up to?
What would if feel like to have a select number of friends who know everything about me? The good, the not so good, the downright annoying, and even the dark and sinful parts of my life?
What if they still loved and accepted me? That is true friendship.
“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”
Elbert Hubbard
This kind of friendship takes time. It grows through repeated conversations, shared experiences, honest questions, and consistent presence. Adults often find themselves scratching their heads in situations where they are forced to interact with people they do not know. It is easy to forget some of the basic principles for making friends.
Practice the simple habits that build trust
How do you make friends?
Dale Carnegie addressed this in his popular classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People. This is a summary of some of his most salient points on getting people to warm up to you:
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
- Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
These are excellent tactics because they take the pressure off yourself and help you focus on others. This is what it means to love others first.
We are called to love our neighbor, even our enemies, before looking out for our own interests. Not only does this please God, but it instills immediate trust in other people.
Start with curiosity, then let consistency deepen the relationship.
When you meet someone at church, a small group, a Bible study, or a community event, ask questions that invite a real answer:
- What brought you here?
- What has been meaningful in your life recently?
- What are you learning in this season?
- How can I pray for you?
Then listen. Remember what the person tells you. Follow up later. A short message asking how a difficult conversation went can communicate more care than an impressive speech.
Friendship grows through small acts of attention.
Let biblical friendship shape your expectations
Friendship in the Bible presents relationships as a source of loyalty, wisdom, help, and spiritual growth. Biblical friendship includes affection, truth-telling, sacrifice, and patience.
Proverbs 17:17 says: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (NIV)
A real friend does not disappear when life becomes inconvenient. This does not mean a close friend agrees with everything you say. It means the relationship has enough trust to hold both encouragement and correction.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (NIV)
This is the strength of Christian community. You do not carry every burden alone. You give help, receive help, and learn to recognize when someone needs your presence.
The early church practiced this kind of shared life through teaching, fellowship, meals, and prayer. Christian friendship is more than social convenience. It becomes one of the places where faith becomes visible and active.
Look for friends who help you move toward honesty, maturity, and a deeper relationship with Christ.
Recognize the people who are safe to know you
Not every friend can be a close friend. In order to have others open up to you, you have to take the risk to open up as well. Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of doing this in return.
You want a circle of people around you who are also growing and maturing. Sometimes you might trust someone who turns out to be unworthy of that trust.
They break promises. They refuse to see things from your point of view. They preach at you rather than listen. They spread private information about you. This is when they prove to be unsafe.
It takes a discerning mind and a cautious heart, but there are people out there willing and mature enough to support you.
Pay attention to how people handle trust over time. A person who is ready for deeper friendship usually demonstrates qualities such as:
- Consistency when circumstances become difficult
- Respect for private information
- Willingness to listen before offering advice
- Ability to apologize and repair conflict
- Genuine interest in your story
- Encouragement toward spiritual and personal growth
- Humility when viewpoints differ
You do not have to tell your entire story during the first conversation. Healthy vulnerability develops gradually. Share honestly, observe carefully, and allow trust to grow at a steady pace.
Learn how different personalities connect
Understanding yourself makes it easier to understand others.
Two people can care about each other deeply and still communicate in very different ways. One person may process feelings out loud, while another needs time to think. One may form friendships through frequent conversation, while another shows care through practical help.
The Christian DISC® can give individuals, families, churches, and small groups a shared language for discussing these differences. By understanding your own personality type and learning how others naturally communicate, you can become more thoughtful about how you listen, speak, encourage, and love.
The Christian DISC® is a discussion starter, not a predictive tool. It does not determine whether someone will become your friend. It helps you notice patterns, appreciate differences, and consider how to connect with people who are wired differently than you.
A pastor might use the Christian DISC® to help a small group discuss communication. A church leader might use it with volunteers who serve together. Friends might use it to explore why they respond differently during conflict or stress.
The assessment creates a starting point for better conversations. Friendship still requires humility, time, and action.
Create a practical rhythm for making friends
Choose one place where you can show up regularly.
Attend a church small group, Bible study, ministry team, class, or service opportunity. Repeated contact gives relationships room to develop.
Then take one simple step:
- Introduce yourself to someone new.
- Stay for a few minutes after the meeting.
- Ask a meaningful question.
- Invite someone to coffee, lunch, or a walk.
- Send a follow-up message within a few days.
- Show up again the following week.
Do not wait for friendship to happen entirely by accident. Adults often have full calendars, established routines, and legitimate responsibilities. That makes intentionality essential.
If you are looking for Christian friendship, ask your pastor about a small group or ministry where people have the opportunity to interact beyond Sunday morning. If you already attend a group, consider inviting one person into a more consistent rhythm of conversation.
Months of ordinary faithfulness often produce the kind of friendship people hope to find immediately.
Take one step toward deeper community
Reach out to one person this week and begin a conversation that goes beyond small talk.
You can ask, “What has been challenging for you lately?” You can share something honest about your own life. You can invite someone to meet for coffee. You can pray with a friend and then follow up a few days later.
So reach out in faith, and trust that God can bring the right people into your life.
For churches, pastors, and small-group leaders, consider using the Christian DISC® as the next step. Have each person complete the assessment, then set aside time to discuss how different personality types communicate and build trust. Use the conversation to ask:
- How do I naturally show care?
- How do I prefer to receive encouragement?
- What helps me feel safe enough to open up?
- How can I love people who communicate differently than I do?
The Christian DISC® offers individual and group options for churches, families, and faith-based teams. Explore the available Christian DISC® products, or learn how pastors can use the assessment to strengthen relationships within the local church through Pastors and Churches.
True friendship begins with a willingness to be known. It grows when you listen sincerely, show up consistently, practice discernment, and make room for people who are different from you.
That is how you make friends as an adult. That is how you learn how to be a good friend. Over time, it is also how you find the ones who really know you.